it’s not about you

So.

Sometime in April, Killian feel asleep on the way to the grocery store and I did something very stupid: I carried him around the store in my arms while I hunched over pushing the shopping cart.

That was a VERY BIG MISTAKE. The next morning, I woke up and could hardly move. I waited it out a few days, figuring I would feel better and when I didn’t, I made an appt. with my chiropractor. She wasn’t in the office that week, so I saw someone else, who came up to adjust me. I was very out of sorts.

After that visit, I felt much better and a week later, went in to see my usual practitioner and got adjusted. I kept having pain in my arm, neck and shoulder, and was experiencing some numbness in parts of my arm. During all this, something else happened at my chiropractor’s office that I shall just describe as:

DRAMA.

So I broke up with my chiropractor. It took two months and lots of stress and no returned phone calls, but finally, that whole mess is over and settled and I never have to go back there ever, ever again. PRAISE JESUS.

I hurt my neck last week. Now keep in mind that this problem with my arm, and the numbness and the mild pain, has never really gone away. Last Monday, I was toweling off my hair after my shower and felt something in my neck go funny. Taylor was in town and I had him massage my neck a bit. Sometimes, this trick works.

But it didn’t. By Wednesday, I was in some serious pain, and could not feel two of my fingers and part of the back of my arm. I looked on yelp and found a chiropractor in my neighborhood that was well-reviewed. I called, spoke to the doctor and made an appointment. They got me in that day, took some X-rays, did some massage therapy, some ultrasound therapy, and what I think was muscle stimulation therapy with a TENS unit. I began to feel better.

Friday, I went in again for an review of my films and an actual adjustment. I received some of the same therapies I had received on Wednesday. I thought I would start to feel better. Then I woke up on Saturday morning.

I went to a conference that day, and by the after-lunch session, I was in so much pain, that I couldn’t even focus on what the presenters were saying and I was having trouble moving my head at all. Despite downing Advil, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt, all the muscles in my back were in spasms and I was losing feeling down my left arm again. I went home, took some Extra Strength Tylenol and took to bed for a couple of hours. The pain was excruciating and completely debilitating.

I woke up, ate some protein, took some more Advil and went back to my conference for the keynote. Sunday was also very bad, but I spent as much time as I could laying down without trying to hold my head up too much. Joshua, my better half, didn’t complain and took the kids out for half the day so I could rest, even though I had been gone the whole day before.

I had another appointment this morning, and spent the entire morning until then watching the clock, hoping and praying that the chiropractor could help me. I also noticed, that in addition to my neck, shoulder and arm problems, the the uppermost rib on the right side of my chest, just underneath my collarbone, was bulging. That area is also sore and tender to the touch. I know this is all connected somehow, but I’m not sure how or what to do about it.

I told the chiropractor about how much pain I’ve been in all weekend, and he seems hopeful that this is my body getting used to the adjustment. I’m pretty skeptical. I felt like the adjustment on Friday did more harm than good. I had been feeling better, and then exponentially worse after the adjustment. I told this to him as well.

He felt my spine and my neck, and started some adjustments. I began to cry. I cried throughout the rest of my visit.

Now, I am still sore, but I am hoping that today’s adjustment will begin to help. My arm, neck and shoulder have that pins and needles feeling. Is that good? Because I know that’s the feeling I get after my foot’s been asleep, and I’m hoping that with all the numbness I’ve been experiencing, this is feeling returning to those parts of my body. If not, then I’m going to completely freak out. The rib on my chest is still bulging and is progressively more sore. I just hope that tonight I can sleep.

People, I have been in SO MUCH PAIN. I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I can’t take a shirt off without gasping, because it hurts. I can’t pick up my children without pain - or without fear that somehow, my attempt at taking care of them is going to debilitate my body. I can’t turn my head to the left or look up without pain, and I can’t talk on the phone without using my hands. My shoulder pops almost every time I lift my arm - which is quite often, so I can shake it about in attempts to get the feeling back in it. It’s my left arm and I am left-handed.

I have been irritable and cranky and I have zero appetite. OTC pain relievers don’t seem to be helping me at all. And I’m terrified.

I’m so scared that I am never going to get better, that I am never going to heal. It’s been three months since this started and I am only getting worse. Joshua tells me that I will get better and I want to believe him but I just don’t know that I do.

When I was pregnant with Killian, and I started experiencing the pubic symphysis pain, all my health care providers told me that it was due to pregnancy hormones and that after my birth, I would begin to feel better. My (former) chiropractor told me that I had the worst case she had ever seen.

And you know what? Killian will be two years old next month and the reality of my life is that, aside from this neck pain, I have dealt with pubic bone pain EVERY DAY for the past two and a half years. That is usually mild and under the radar, as, sad to say, I’ve gotten used to pain being a part of my life. It flares up quite often and I have a bad several days, but lately, THAT has also gotten worse - two weeks ago, I couldn’t sit and last weekend, I was limping when I walked because it hurt so much.

I’m 29 years old and I’m so scared that I’m going to be a chronic pain sufferer for the rest of my life. I can’t do the things I want to do and I can’t be the mom I want to be because I am PHYSICALLY UNABLE to do things I used to take for granted - like chasing my daughter through the park, or lifting my son up to touch the ceiling. And that petrifies me.

And I haven’t written about it much on here because I feel like when I was pregnant I wrote about it SO MUCH, and in the midst of all of that, I was treated TERRIBLY by people who were supposed to love and support me, but instead tore me down during an extremely vulnerable time in my life so they could teach me some lesson. And I’ve never gotten over that. And that has kept me from continuing to write about things here.

And that adds to my fear, that if I write about how scared I am and how I feel like I’m spiraling into some black hole because of the physical pain in my body, that people will take advantage of that to make an example of me.

So there.

I said it.

And I think I’m glad I did. Clearly, I need to find a good therapist out here.

This makes me so mad, I can hardly think straight.

Can you say “sexist?”

This is nothing but outright discrimination against women. Perhaps they should deny their husbands insurance unless they get a vasectomy, since these women are only worth insuring unless they are sterilized. Just like the drug company is only targeting Gardasil to adolescent girls when they get HPV by having SEX which usually involves SOMEONE ELSE, and more dominantly, a BOY.

OR just like all the main symptoms for heart disease we are told to look for are predominately found in men, while the symptoms women face are hardly understood or studied as much.

Or just like how women used to be diagnosed with female hysteria and subject to ridiculous, harmful, and demeaning treatments because some “had a tendency to cause trouble.”

I don’t know, or just like how women are told if they nurse their babies longer than six months they’re abusing their children.

Or how stay-at-home moms are pitted against working moms as if we’re all a different breed from each other.

Or, you know, how the rumors about the casts from Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives are always cat-fighting, but no one starts rumors about the Sopranos, because you know, women just cat-fight and men are rational.

I’m effing sick and tired of the establishment discriminating against us just for being women.

How ’bout that pay raise now?

This is what happens after baby number two weighs as much as a two-month-old at birth.

My tattoo will never be the same again. And that’s okay. My children have left their marks on me as well. I hope to be okay with that soon.

…joined extra-utero life at 1:36 a.m. on Thursday, August 17th in San Francisco.

After 3 hours and fifty minutes of labor, here he was. He weighed NINE POUNDS AND NINE OUNCES, and was 22 1/2 inches long with a 14-inch head.

I KICK ASS.

Gory details and more pics to follow when we’ve had more sleep and get to go home.

9:48 p.m.
10:02
10:10
10:17
10:24
10:32
10:40
10:47 potty
10:57
11:02 called the midwife
11:08
11:13
11:18
11:25
11:28
11:31
11:36
11:40 joshua left to get the car
11:44
11:48 potty
11:52 joshua back
11:56

Can’t do this anymore. I think I’m the only person I know who is blogging her labor. Let’s hope next time we meet, we have a baby.

PISSED.

And tired. And cranky. And weepy. And angry. I feel both like curling up into a ball (physically impossible at this point) and throwing things (heavy things) across the apartment. God is not my favorite person right now.

I’m about to leave to go to my 40-week prenatal visit. Little guy’s official due date is tomorrow. TOMORROW. I can’t believe I’m still pregnant. I mean, I’m really in a bit of denial about the whole situation. I’ll probably need to schedule another prenatal appointment for next week and that just depresses the hell out of me.

My belly is entirely riddled with gigantic, growing, purple stretch marks that itch and burn. The completely smooth skin is a strange sensation under my fingertips. My tattoo looks WEIRD.

I’m going to ask to have my membranes stripped today. That should be lots of fun. We’ll see what happens. Maybe you can hope I’ll go into labor for me, because I can’t bring myself to hope for it. Cause if? when? it doesn’t happen, it’ll be too big a disappointment.

Big props and huge thanks go to my friend Caroline, who called this morning to say she had some food to bring over for me - lentil and rice salad. It looks REALLY tasty. I definitely needed the phone call and brief visit. So I guess God gets a few points for that, but otherwise I’m still mad at him. I’m having kind of a rough morning, in case you couldn’t tell.

I’ll just apologize now.

I went to the bathroom today and discovered that I am experiencing “bloody show.” I had to repeat myself four times to Joshua and spell it out for him before he figured out what I was saying. Even then, he had no idea what I was talking about.

Bloody show is when you have blood-tinged mucus appearing in…places. This is a good thing, this means I’m still progressing. It’s also known as losing what’s called a “mucous plug,” which sounds like something one gets when one has a nasty cold, but I digress. Bloody show is another indicator of impending labor. Some women have it weeks in advance (good LORD) and some have it at the onset of labor.

I was really hoping I was going to go into labor today after that, but apparently, I’m not. I’ve been waiting for what happened today for a few weeks now, and I couldn’t have been more excited. So I went and ate spicy Indian food with my friend Jenni at Naan and Curry. So much for spicy food starting labor. I’m beginning to think all those “tips” are just a bunch of crap.

I’ve even been “nesting” — the baby’s wardrobe is all organized and his clothes are all sorted; I got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen floor with vinegar and a sponge; we officially packed the bag today and packed a bag for Judah as well, just in case; and I spent the better part of this evening looking at birth photos and pics of Judah’s short-thus-far life. Good HEAVENS, she’s so cute!

So unless something happens in the middle of the night (I can always hope!), I’ll still be here tomorrow.

Still here. Still pregnant. I know many of you check back here daily to find out if we’ve had a baby yet, so I don’t want to disappoint.

Yesterday was rough. After Wednesday’s excitement, I spent all of yesterday laying down. Anytime I tried to sit up, sharp pains shot through my symphysis. Joshua could not get home fast enough for me. He came home and I just started to cry.

I couldn’t go to the bathroom by myself during the night last night. I had to get Joshua to lift each leg and set it down for every step that I took - I couldn’t lift my legs by myself, or even drag my feet across the floor, I was in so much pain. When we finally got me back in bed and settled down, I felt so sick. All that exertion and pain made me feel like i was going to throw up.

Some couple, I guess in our building, decided to have a screaming match at four in the morning. I didn’t catch it all, as one side was completely in Spanish, but I definitely caught a lot of one person getting cussed out. They were at it again at six. I asked Joshua if he had heard it - he’s on the couch these days, since I can sleep better with the extra room - and he said he hadn’t heard a thing. Amazing.

He’s working from home this morning to help me out some. I had to have him help me to get dressed.

With Judah, I remember being so scared about labor, and how much I knew it would hurt, and could I do it? This time around, I say, “Bring. It. On.” There’s no way it can be worse than what I’ve been going through. I guess that says a lot about SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) when you think of labor and delivery as a relief from pain.

We recently decided that Judah will not be present at the birth of her baby brother. All along, we haven’t been sure of what we wanted, or what might be best. A lot of people have been asking us what we were going to do, and for the longest time, we didn’t know, and kept going back and forth. After yesterday, I am 100 percent sure that i don’t want her there for the birth. And it’s a little sad.

Judah is the child on the playground who gets upset when another kid falls and hurts himself. She wants to know if he’s okay, and will go over and give him a hug or help him up. When something scary or bad happens in her movies (she’s seen over and over again), a chorus of “oh, no!”s erupt from her little being. She’s an extremely empathetic child.

As we discovered during Judah’s birth, I’m extremely vocal during labor. I’m not one of those women you see on all the birth videos who moan prettily and pop a baby out. I’m the unseen, but very heard mom in the sitcom in the next room to the main character, screaming her lungs out while she’s pushing. Yep. That’s me. I was hoarse for three days after Judah arrived.

While Judah’s a tough kid and can handle her share of scrapes and bruises, she doesn’t like to see other people in pain. While I’m okay with this kind of pain - it’s not without purpose and it’s the means for babies to enter into this world - seeing her mother in pain is not something I want to subject my sensitive child to unnecessarily. And birth involves a lot of blood, which might be startling for her. This is the kid who sees a scratch on your arm bleed a drop and MUST get you a band-aid.

Yesterday, Judah could sense that something was not right. She crawled up in bed with me the entire time I was at the hospital. When Joshua got there in time for the sonogram, I asked him to move Judah so she wouldn’t get the gel all over herself while she watched the screen. She did not want him to hold her. “I need Mommy,” she kept saying. She was worried. This kid curled up in my arm and wouldn’t move during my cervical exam. When Joshua tried to move her off the bed so I could get off and get dressed, she threw a fit, kept kicking off her shoes and started crying inconsolably. She just knew things weren’t the way they were supposed to be.

I love that quality in my girl. I love that she has a deep sense of care for others, that she is a nurturer. During my appointment, she stood on the chair next to the exam table and kept her face right next to mine, holding mine in her hands and kissing me and rubbing our noses together. She helped measure my belly and would reach out and touch me.

I don’t want the birth of her baby brother to be a traumatic experience for her. And knowing it would scare her would keep me from doing the work I need to do to give birth, and I don’t want my concern for her to be a distraction from that. I don’t want it to be a distraction for Joshua, either. I’m going to need all of his help to do this, too.

I’m hoping Judah can come in as soon as possible after the baby is born. I can’t wait to see her face when she sees her baby brother in the flesh and he’s not just someone she yells at through my belly to come and jump on the bed with her. I’m pretty sure she understands there will be another human added to our lives and I want that to be something she can embrace with as little fear and trepidation as possible.

Joshua got to come with me to my 39-week appointment today (I will be 39 weeks officially as of tomorrow) and things actually got a little exciting there. I’ve been a little concerned about my blood pressure - it is higher with each visit I go to since I was 36 weeks, and today was no exception. i normally have amazing blood pressure - while pregnant, it’s about 110/60. Stellar. Today’s reading was 120/86, which, while my midwife said that was still within normal limits for this point in my pregnancy, she knows I’m concerned about it, so we would check my urine for protein and then do another reading after a while when I could lay down for a bit.

I checked my urine and it came back +1 for protein (it either comes back negative or for trace amounts, both of which are considered normal - I’ve been trace the past two weeks - or +1, +2, and so on, indicating protein is present in your urine). We took another blood pressure reading, and this time it came back 130/90. She said the elevation was probably due to my nerves at the high reading and the urine result, but that she wanted to go ahead and send me over to the hospital to do some more checking.

The problem with elevated blood pressure and protein is that they can be indicators of pregnancy-induced hypertension, which can lead to pre-eclampsia, which can be very dangerous and even fatal to both mom and baby. My edema’s getting worse, which can also be a sign. There are other symptoms as well, which I’m not experiencing, like headaches and vision changes, nausea and specific pains, but she wanted to rule it out.

Other than that, she said the baby’s in a great position, with his little head really low, and that his heartbeat sounds good. She offered to do a cervical check, which I was hoping for, not cause they’re fun or anything, mind you, but because it could tell us how much I’m progressing, but won’t really give us an indication as to how soon we might be in labor. We decided to save the cervical check for the hospital, since I was going to have other tests as well.

So off to Labor and Delivery I went. I’ve never been to an L&D unit for myself, and the only time I’ve been since probably my sister was born was last Christmas for my nephew’s birth. I’m not real partial to hospitals. Joshua had rented a CityCareShare to come down for the appointment during his lunch break, so he ran the car back downtown and went by his work to get his stuff and BARTed back down to St. Luke’s, since we had no idea if we’d be there for an hour or admitted to start labor. So it was me and Judah, and she crawled in the bed with me during my NST and we watched ducks swim in a lake and flowers blow in the breeze on some restful channel on the TV.

While uncomfortable during the process, the NST results looked fine, and my other midwife showed up shortly after I arrived to monitor me and do an Amniotic Fluid Index (an AFI - a sonogram which measures my bag of waters), take my blood pressure some more, do another urine test and collect some blood for some tests.

After the initial adrenaline rush of being sent to the hospital, I attempted to calm myself down and relax (of course, the ducks and breezy flowers were BOUND to help). My BP came back 120-ish/80ish each time, which is better. The AFI results showed good amounts of fluid and looks like baby is perfectly content to be right where he is for the time being (and at one point my midwife made the remark, “well if that’s not the best indication you have a boy right there, i don’t know what is” when he flashed us for a moment, guaranteeing that he does have both his testicles).

My urine came back with no protein in it, though I’m not sure if it was a complete negative result. My midwife said that if I wasn’t well hydrated or if I didn’t have a clean catch the first time, those could both affect the outcome. So I drank a lot of water and made sure to use the little wipes, and am proud to say that was one of the better urine sample catches of my pregnancy, despite not having a clue where anything is located down there anymore. I got a call a little while ago and my bloodwork looks great.

So the only thing left is the results of the cervical exam - you’re dying to know aren’t you? I was. I am three centimeters dilated and 70 percent effaced, so we’re still making progress. He’s also at a zero station, which means he’s working his way down, but not ready to be born yet. My cervix is also slightly posterior. So no baby yet. But things could always change at any moment. She offered to do a “stretch and sweep” if I wanted during the exam, but if things aren’t ready, it’s just going to make me really uncomfortable and wear me out and not go into labor. So no, i’m not ready for labor augmentation.

Between the symphysis pain (which is also really bad today) and how we were certain we would have birthed a baby by now, I really do NOT want to be pregnant anymore. There was a slight hope in our hospital visit that maybe today would really be the day. So I’m a little disappointed, but I’m really glad that we’re not having to induce or intervene because of problems. As long as my body continues to be a healthy environment for my baby and since he’s obviously not ready to come per my vaginal exam, I don’t want to force it - the likelihood of intervention rises that way - I want things to progress when they’re supposed to. I just keep praying and wishing it would be sooner than later.