it’s not about you

So.

Sometime in April, Killian feel asleep on the way to the grocery store and I did something very stupid: I carried him around the store in my arms while I hunched over pushing the shopping cart.

That was a VERY BIG MISTAKE. The next morning, I woke up and could hardly move. I waited it out a few days, figuring I would feel better and when I didn’t, I made an appt. with my chiropractor. She wasn’t in the office that week, so I saw someone else, who came up to adjust me. I was very out of sorts.

After that visit, I felt much better and a week later, went in to see my usual practitioner and got adjusted. I kept having pain in my arm, neck and shoulder, and was experiencing some numbness in parts of my arm. During all this, something else happened at my chiropractor’s office that I shall just describe as:

DRAMA.

So I broke up with my chiropractor. It took two months and lots of stress and no returned phone calls, but finally, that whole mess is over and settled and I never have to go back there ever, ever again. PRAISE JESUS.

I hurt my neck last week. Now keep in mind that this problem with my arm, and the numbness and the mild pain, has never really gone away. Last Monday, I was toweling off my hair after my shower and felt something in my neck go funny. Taylor was in town and I had him massage my neck a bit. Sometimes, this trick works.

But it didn’t. By Wednesday, I was in some serious pain, and could not feel two of my fingers and part of the back of my arm. I looked on yelp and found a chiropractor in my neighborhood that was well-reviewed. I called, spoke to the doctor and made an appointment. They got me in that day, took some X-rays, did some massage therapy, some ultrasound therapy, and what I think was muscle stimulation therapy with a TENS unit. I began to feel better.

Friday, I went in again for an review of my films and an actual adjustment. I received some of the same therapies I had received on Wednesday. I thought I would start to feel better. Then I woke up on Saturday morning.

I went to a conference that day, and by the after-lunch session, I was in so much pain, that I couldn’t even focus on what the presenters were saying and I was having trouble moving my head at all. Despite downing Advil, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt, all the muscles in my back were in spasms and I was losing feeling down my left arm again. I went home, took some Extra Strength Tylenol and took to bed for a couple of hours. The pain was excruciating and completely debilitating.

I woke up, ate some protein, took some more Advil and went back to my conference for the keynote. Sunday was also very bad, but I spent as much time as I could laying down without trying to hold my head up too much. Joshua, my better half, didn’t complain and took the kids out for half the day so I could rest, even though I had been gone the whole day before.

I had another appointment this morning, and spent the entire morning until then watching the clock, hoping and praying that the chiropractor could help me. I also noticed, that in addition to my neck, shoulder and arm problems, the the uppermost rib on the right side of my chest, just underneath my collarbone, was bulging. That area is also sore and tender to the touch. I know this is all connected somehow, but I’m not sure how or what to do about it.

I told the chiropractor about how much pain I’ve been in all weekend, and he seems hopeful that this is my body getting used to the adjustment. I’m pretty skeptical. I felt like the adjustment on Friday did more harm than good. I had been feeling better, and then exponentially worse after the adjustment. I told this to him as well.

He felt my spine and my neck, and started some adjustments. I began to cry. I cried throughout the rest of my visit.

Now, I am still sore, but I am hoping that today’s adjustment will begin to help. My arm, neck and shoulder have that pins and needles feeling. Is that good? Because I know that’s the feeling I get after my foot’s been asleep, and I’m hoping that with all the numbness I’ve been experiencing, this is feeling returning to those parts of my body. If not, then I’m going to completely freak out. The rib on my chest is still bulging and is progressively more sore. I just hope that tonight I can sleep.

People, I have been in SO MUCH PAIN. I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I can’t take a shirt off without gasping, because it hurts. I can’t pick up my children without pain - or without fear that somehow, my attempt at taking care of them is going to debilitate my body. I can’t turn my head to the left or look up without pain, and I can’t talk on the phone without using my hands. My shoulder pops almost every time I lift my arm - which is quite often, so I can shake it about in attempts to get the feeling back in it. It’s my left arm and I am left-handed.

I have been irritable and cranky and I have zero appetite. OTC pain relievers don’t seem to be helping me at all. And I’m terrified.

I’m so scared that I am never going to get better, that I am never going to heal. It’s been three months since this started and I am only getting worse. Joshua tells me that I will get better and I want to believe him but I just don’t know that I do.

When I was pregnant with Killian, and I started experiencing the pubic symphysis pain, all my health care providers told me that it was due to pregnancy hormones and that after my birth, I would begin to feel better. My (former) chiropractor told me that I had the worst case she had ever seen.

And you know what? Killian will be two years old next month and the reality of my life is that, aside from this neck pain, I have dealt with pubic bone pain EVERY DAY for the past two and a half years. That is usually mild and under the radar, as, sad to say, I’ve gotten used to pain being a part of my life. It flares up quite often and I have a bad several days, but lately, THAT has also gotten worse - two weeks ago, I couldn’t sit and last weekend, I was limping when I walked because it hurt so much.

I’m 29 years old and I’m so scared that I’m going to be a chronic pain sufferer for the rest of my life. I can’t do the things I want to do and I can’t be the mom I want to be because I am PHYSICALLY UNABLE to do things I used to take for granted - like chasing my daughter through the park, or lifting my son up to touch the ceiling. And that petrifies me.

And I haven’t written about it much on here because I feel like when I was pregnant I wrote about it SO MUCH, and in the midst of all of that, I was treated TERRIBLY by people who were supposed to love and support me, but instead tore me down during an extremely vulnerable time in my life so they could teach me some lesson. And I’ve never gotten over that. And that has kept me from continuing to write about things here.

And that adds to my fear, that if I write about how scared I am and how I feel like I’m spiraling into some black hole because of the physical pain in my body, that people will take advantage of that to make an example of me.

So there.

I said it.

And I think I’m glad I did. Clearly, I need to find a good therapist out here.

This past Friday morning, I woke up, got dressed and logged onto my computer to check my e-mail. While I waited for my e-mail to download, I began to get a cup of coffee together. My daily SFGate headline news e-mail popped out at me, with this article in the subject line:

“Homeschoolers’ setback sends shockwaves through the state.”

I hadn’t even finished the article before I had received two separate phone calls from people, each with a seemingly benign, “So, how are you?” that was actually loaded to find out whether or not I had seen the article yet.

I felt utterly and completely broad-sided. I actually told that to Robin when she called at 8:30, and I think I scared her at first, judging by her startled, “what?!?” in response. I had to clarify that I hadn’t been physically broad-sided - I had yet to leave the house, after all.

We haven’t said anything publicly yet about our decision regarding our kids’ education, though a lot of people already know. We have decided to homeschool Mary Judah during the next school year, which will be her kindergarten year. Beyond that, we aren’t making any commitments (though I have to say my stubborn side is leaning toward homeschooling just to stick it to that judge!). I have been doing a lot of research and studying and talking to people and praying and evaluating and trying to figure out what it is we’re supposed to do regarding her education and the choices we want to make as we raise her the type of opportunities we want her to have in life. Same goes for Killian, and that should go without speaking, though Mary Judah’s formal education is much more imminent.

I never in a million years thought I would ever homeschool, ever. I actually said to people, “I will never homeschool my children.” Of course, that was during those light and care-free days before morning sickness, and rotund bellies, and screaming in the middle of the night as I pushed a human being out of my own body.

Then I took one look at my daughter’s face, fell hopelessly in love with her, and the seeds were planted. What can I say? I couldn’t imagine ever being separated from her. As she’s grown and I’ve gotten to know her and helped to shape her into the person she is and will become, I’ve questioned my resolute decision not to homeschool. I started asking myself, why? Well, why not?

I began reading and researching and having come to grips with the misconceptions I’ve had, and through all of that, decided to go for it. This ruling that came down late last month has infuriated me. There are so many holes in it, it’s not even funny. From the education code, to what makes a private school, to religious reasons for homeschooling, to teaching credentials, to parental rights, to the real reason for compulsory education, there are just so many things wrong with it. And I’m going to talk about all of them. That’s right. Like you thought for a second I wouldn’t.

Here’s what happened in a nutshell. If I don’t have details as accurate as I think I do, I will most certainly go back and change them:

According to the ruling, the homeschooling parents of eight children were taken to court in a child welfare case. As the case progressed, the attorney for two of the children asked to court to direct the juvenile court to order the children to enroll and attend a public or private school. The parents asserted that they had a constitutional right to homeschool their children.

The ruling states that no, parents do not have a constitutional right to oversee their children’s education at home and that according to the education code, in this particular case, the parents were not following any of the provisions allowed to educate their children.

The court then asserts that homeschooling in general cannot fall under the private school allowance in the education code, and actually goes so far as to consider the process of parents who establish private schools in their homes as a means of following the law and then teaching their children at home to being a “ruse.”

The court also states that parents who wish to teach their children at home must hold a valid credential in the grade level being taught.

From the ruling:

It is clear to us that enrollment and attendance in a public full-time day school is required by California law for minor children unless (1) the child is enrolled in a private full-time day school and actually attends that private school, (2) the child is tutored by a person holding a valid state teaching credential for the grade being taught, or (3) one of the other few statutory exemptions to compulsory public school attendance applies to the child.

Exemptions to compulsory public school education are made for, among others, children who (1) attend a private full-time day school (§ 48222) or (2) are instructed by a tutor who holds a valid state teaching credential for the grade being taught (§ 48224).

Such representation does not constitute a statement that the Los Angeles Unified School District and the Los Angeles County Office of Education knowingly gave their stamp of approval to children being deprived of an education in a public or private full-time day school setting, or by a credentialed tutor, through the ruse of enrolling them in a private school and then letting them stay home and be taught by a non-credentialed parent.

One of the issues raised about the ruling by the Homeschool Legal Defense Association is that “the decision is categorical and was not written to be limited to just the facts of this case,” which means that if the Supreme Court ratifies this ruling, it can be applied to homeschoolers across the board, not just to the people involved in the case, resulting in a benchmark case to be able to prosecute homeschooling parents across the state. Lovely. Also keep in mind that, like it or not, California is a bellwether state and the decisions made here can have dramatic impacts reverberating across the country.

Where do things stand now? From what I understand, the parents are appealing to the state’s Supreme Court. The HSLDA is getting involved, along with other homeschooling organizations, on several fronts. The gubernator has said he will support homeschooling families and said that “if the courts don’t protect parents’ rights then, as elected officials, we will.” Several state legislators have promised to introduce legislation to protect homeschooling and the California Superintendent of Public Instruction, Jack O’Connell has said he believes homeschooling in still legal in the state.

The HSLDA also has a petition you can sign to ask the Supreme Court to depublish the ruling, which would prevent in from being used as a precedent and limit its scope to the particular case.

I’ll have another post tomorrow.

And I’m mostly better. And on the bright side, I’ve lost eight pounds. While it’s not my diet of choice, hey. It’s the new year. I’ll take it. I’m now back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. And also on the bright side, after taking off two days of work and quarantining me in the bedroom for four days, and accidentally dropping the entire pot of tortellini into the sink, knocking over the strainer and watching ALL but a few pieces of the tortellini go right down the drain, Joshua will never again come home and wonder what I’ve been doing all day.

“How do you do this?” he asked me. “Every day?”

I just laughed. Maniacally, I laughed. At him, too. I hear the tortellini was good.

And in Death Wish news, while closing the door to the flat this morning on my way to take Judah to preschool, Killian fell down the first set of brick stairs in our stairwell. He walked right off - didn’t even pause. I tried to grab him, but my fingers only grazed his hoodie. The kid totally flipped head over heels. He went down face first, his head hitting about the middle step and his body cartwheeled right over him, landing legs-and-butt-first on the landing, before the rest of him came to a stop. Amazingly enough, I think his momentum kept his head from hitting too hard. And as far as I call tell, his only injuries are three bloodied knuckles.

I’ve checked him over, head to toe, and while he’s clingy and quiet, I think he’s OK. He didn’t get dragged down any of the steps and I don’t see any bumps or bruises. He cried more out of shock and fear than from injury. Of course, Judah completely freaked out and started crying, too. The girl loves her brother.

That must be one of the worst feelings in life: watching your baby take a bad fall and only being able to watch helplessly from the sidelines. Brent, am I a bad parent if I deny him a skateboard??? I mean, he hasn’t even ASKED yet.

Also, today’s is my mom’s birthday. She would have been 57 years old. Happy Birthday, Momma.

Thought you might want to know.

I’ve been in bed for four days. Joshua has taken two days off of work. I’d like to feel better now, if that’s all right.

Yesterday evening, right before Joshua got home, I had nursed Killian on the couch, and when he was done, he got down and toddled off toward the kids’ room where Judah was playing. I took a moment to drop and close all the mini-blinds in the two front rooms and then followed him back. Guess where he was when I got there?

IN THE TOP BUNK. PLAYING WITH JUDAH.

I totally freaked out. I asked Judah if he got up there by himself and she said no, that she had HELPED him! She knows he’s not allowed to climb the ladder and usually, she lets me know if he’s ever making a break for it. We don’t even allow her to be in the top bunk when he’s around so he won’t want up there as well and be tempted to try. I’m wondering if she went up behind him or pulled him up to the bunk once she was already up (freaky thought for both of them, that way), though I don’t think I can bring myself to ask. I made them both get down and then Judah and I had a talk about how dangerous it is for him to be up there and that if he fell he could get seriously hurt, and that he could even die. To make it worse, the entire floor was strewn with every block they own. That’s not exactly a soft landing pad.

Scary!

We have got to be vigilant with that one, Killian. During the Christmas break, I went to get a haircut and while I was gone, with our entire family at our house, Killian dragged a dining chair over to the Christmas tree, got on it, leaned over to mess with the tree and fell headfirst through the tree to the floor. Once, strapped into his booster seat in the kitchen, while I was cooking dinner, Judah opened the fridge to get something out, and Killian grabbed the handle. When Judah closed the fridge, Killian refused to let go of the handle, and fell over, in his booster in the chair, sideways. Thankfully, his arm that was holding the handle, dragged down the side of the fridge, and in doing so, prevented his head from smacking the floor. We have since put his booster into a sturdier chair.

He’s the climber, and the getting-into-everything boy, the one who sticks his hands in the toilet and tries to breathe his bathwater and climbs on the windows and the bookcase and the dresser and the coffee table and the open dishwasher and stands on the rocking chair and sticks his fingers in the outlets and things in his mouth and boy are we ever in trouble with that one.

Every day that goes by that doesn’t send us to the ER, I’m going to consider a good day.

Right before I went to bed last night I started feeling kind of funny. I woke up this morning not feeling so great at all. I was (and still am) achy, weak, sweaty, nauseous, you name it. Joshua stayed home to take care of the kids and I have pretty much slept all day. I think I picked up whatever Andrew got the day after Christmas. My whole body just hurts and I feel kind of seasick. It almost feels like the first trimester of a pregnancy, having no energy and just trying not to throw up, except that I’m not pregnant. Really. NOT PREGNANT. Don’t get excited.

I tried getting up and getting ready, only to go back to bed shortly after 8 a.m. I slept off and on til noon, when Joshua brought me some soup. I was awake for a couple of hours, and then slept hard again until after five. Joshua came in the bedroom to ask me if I wanted dinner and I told him I had no idea that I could sleep that much. He said, “Oh, I knew you had it in you.”

He’s probably right.

Wednesday, when I dropped Judah off at her preschool, one of the other moms said to me as we were leaving, “You look like you’re getting some rest these days.” I must have looked pretty haggard before, but I thanked her for the compliment. At this rate, I should be glowing by Sunday.

Anyone want to come over and take care of me?

Whoever said, “You can sleep when you’re dead,” obviously didn’t need the sleep they weren’t getting.

They must not have had children.

Ebay is starting to look good.

1. Since Jill’s comment, I have heard the phrase “sour grapes” not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES this week and I think there’s a conspiracy afoot (and Jill, we need to all hang out, at least once, before you pop).

2. My computer. OH MY GOD. The shift key has lost its mind. And is now removed from my keyboard. Using the other shift key is a total pain in the ass.

3. My power cord has decided it only wants to work in ONE position. What is WITH my laptop???

4. My son has learned the art of SCREAMING HIS BLOODY HEAD OFF. If this were a podcast, you would get an aural taste. COUNT YOURSELF AMONG THE BLESSED THAT IT’S NOT.

5. Two nights ago, we didn’t get any sleep due to above-mentioned number four, and his two teeth that popped through this week. I woke up after said sleep-deprived night and got head-butted right smack in the face. I think he broke my nose, but I’m not real sure. It hurts like hell. And so do my front four teeth (his front four have all come in in the past three weeks - baby Tylenol is his friend - so is the rum. And the whiskey). Not enough Advil for me in the world, my friends. My dentist is going to love this.

6. We’re moving. We found a flat (in our price range) in the Outer Richmond on 30th Ave. A half block from Golden Gate Park. Two bedrooms, one and a half bath, formal dining, living room with a working fireplace, kitchen with a gas stove, disposal and dishwasher, all hardwoods, and tile in the kitchen, parking garage, storage unit, W/D hookups, and a YARD. With real grass. And patio space. Did I mention it was a half-block from Golden Gate Park?? We move middle of July. i hear that hiring movers is worth every penny. I think we’re gonna go that route. Good Lord, I'’m tired of moving. This will be our seventh move in five years of marriage (July 6th - woot!!). And we have our own mailbox to boot.

7. We’ve been going to Mission Bay Community Church. And we’re going to join. And I’m going to be on the steering committee (I think). Good Lord, what have we done?? Does this mean we’re Presbyterian now?? Tracey and Lee Ann should be getting a good kick out of this.

8. MBCC is reading the Bible in 90 days. I’m so way behind. I’m somewhere in Exodus reading about a bunch of whiny Israelites, while everyone else in on their way to Judges or Ruth or something. And it’s good. It’s good practice/exercise/discipline.

9. Yeah, so that’s all I’ve got for now. I’m really busy. Hoping to post more often, sooner than later. I have lots of thoughts on lots of things. Really?, you say; you don’t say?, you say.

Ciao.

I read a Washington Post article this morning that got me thinking. Here’s a quote:

A 2006 University of Maryland study on chat rooms found that female participants received 25 times as many sexually explicit and malicious messages as males.

And another:

Joan Walsh, editor in chief of the online magazine Salon, said that since the letters section of her site was automated a year and a half ago, “it’s been hard to ignore that the criticisms of women writers are much more brutal and vicious than those about men.”

What concerns me most is whether or not police departments will take these types of threats seriously or whether they will brush them off as trivial. I’m not here to present a case for the validity of the Internet as a form of real community and communication. If you’re a skeptic, nothing I say will convince you anyway. I know my husband makes a living - a very GOOD living, as a matter of fact - by helping create content for this virtual world. That makes it real enough. He jokes that he makes a living by creating things that don’t tangibly exist.

A death threat, a threat to strangle, kill, rape and molest on the Internet is just as real as a threat in the physical world and should be taken as such. It is sad and a shame that due to the anonymity of the online forum that people can get away with thinking it is okay to make such threats, or pass them off as jokes, that women’s voices are being silenced. That they are being introverted because that are so afraid of what someone might do to them, or say they will do to them, if they continue to speak their mind. And that is NOT okay.

Generally, men don’t face this problem. If a man speaks his mind, it’s accepted as a part of life. But when a woman speaks her mind, nay, dares to speak her mind, she is labeled - “outspoken,” “opinionated,” “masculine,” “bossy,” “bitch” - and must deal with consequences, threats, and punishments, simply for being who she is. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of it. I want to see change taking place.

As women, we can speak up against this, and I think we should. At the same time, I don’t fault the women who have retreated and pulled away - no one else can make a decision for another about how much risk they are willing to accept. I’m proud and privileged to be in global community with both men and women who value women’s voices and interactions and stand in solidarity to help all of our voices to be heard.

When you’re willing to catch their vomit with your hand.

Killian is victim number three in the stomach virus/foodpoisoning fest that has taken over our family, oh, since the plane took off from Dallas Monday night.

I threw up in the airplane galley, in each of the rear bathrooms, in my seat, on the jetway walk and in the terminal, in the baggage claim bathroom (twice), at 25th and Folsom, the second I got the apartment door open, and multiple times until about two or three in the morning. By then, my kidneys ached and my head was pounding and I was in such a state of delirium, I really can’t remember how many times it was. But it was several at home. I couldn’t even keep water down - within 10 minutes or so of trying, it came right back up.

I woke up yesterday morning, no longer nauseous, but feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, when Joshua came in to tell me he had been back and forth to the bathroom multiple times with the same problem, other end, since about six in the morning. I remained weak and exhausted while he got to enjoy his sickness (I win for most vomits). Eight o’clock never looked so good - we ALL went to bed then, and got about 11 hours of sleep.

I’m feeling much better today, thought still tired and still with a sensitive stomach, Joshua’s still pretty iffy, and Killian has now had two bad diapers and vomited once. But I caught it. In my hand. Judah seems to feel fine, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night with my little guy.

Looks like Lower Greenville is a VERY giving community.