it’s not about you

So there I was, having a sweet little moment with my boy - lying on the bed with Killian, singing songs with him as he played with his feet to get him settled down in order to go to sleep, when Joshua walked in the room with Killian’s milk cup.

Killian smiled contentedly, said “bauk,” and reached for the cup, when we all noticed a bit of milk spill onto his shirt. As Joshua handed the cup over to Killian, the entire contents of the cup hit my baby boy right in THE FACE. Apparently, Joshua forgot to screw on the lid.

It took all three of us a full few seconds to figure out what it the world had just happened - did my husband REALLY throw a cup of milk in our son’s face? And for the love of all things good - WHY? Confess, Child! Confess!

Of course, Killian started screaming bloody murder - that’s COLD MILK! ON HIS FACE! I handed him over to his father who took him to the bathroom, stripped him down and started running him a bath. He was completely covered in milk. Then I started stripping all his sheets. It got EVERYWHERE.

You know how a tablespoon of liquid seems to spread out and get everywhere? Try a whole cup. On your son’s face. I think I’ll get his milk from now on.

So.

Sometime in April, Killian feel asleep on the way to the grocery store and I did something very stupid: I carried him around the store in my arms while I hunched over pushing the shopping cart.

That was a VERY BIG MISTAKE. The next morning, I woke up and could hardly move. I waited it out a few days, figuring I would feel better and when I didn’t, I made an appt. with my chiropractor. She wasn’t in the office that week, so I saw someone else, who came up to adjust me. I was very out of sorts.

After that visit, I felt much better and a week later, went in to see my usual practitioner and got adjusted. I kept having pain in my arm, neck and shoulder, and was experiencing some numbness in parts of my arm. During all this, something else happened at my chiropractor’s office that I shall just describe as:

DRAMA.

So I broke up with my chiropractor. It took two months and lots of stress and no returned phone calls, but finally, that whole mess is over and settled and I never have to go back there ever, ever again. PRAISE JESUS.

I hurt my neck last week. Now keep in mind that this problem with my arm, and the numbness and the mild pain, has never really gone away. Last Monday, I was toweling off my hair after my shower and felt something in my neck go funny. Taylor was in town and I had him massage my neck a bit. Sometimes, this trick works.

But it didn’t. By Wednesday, I was in some serious pain, and could not feel two of my fingers and part of the back of my arm. I looked on yelp and found a chiropractor in my neighborhood that was well-reviewed. I called, spoke to the doctor and made an appointment. They got me in that day, took some X-rays, did some massage therapy, some ultrasound therapy, and what I think was muscle stimulation therapy with a TENS unit. I began to feel better.

Friday, I went in again for an review of my films and an actual adjustment. I received some of the same therapies I had received on Wednesday. I thought I would start to feel better. Then I woke up on Saturday morning.

I went to a conference that day, and by the after-lunch session, I was in so much pain, that I couldn’t even focus on what the presenters were saying and I was having trouble moving my head at all. Despite downing Advil, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt, all the muscles in my back were in spasms and I was losing feeling down my left arm again. I went home, took some Extra Strength Tylenol and took to bed for a couple of hours. The pain was excruciating and completely debilitating.

I woke up, ate some protein, took some more Advil and went back to my conference for the keynote. Sunday was also very bad, but I spent as much time as I could laying down without trying to hold my head up too much. Joshua, my better half, didn’t complain and took the kids out for half the day so I could rest, even though I had been gone the whole day before.

I had another appointment this morning, and spent the entire morning until then watching the clock, hoping and praying that the chiropractor could help me. I also noticed, that in addition to my neck, shoulder and arm problems, the the uppermost rib on the right side of my chest, just underneath my collarbone, was bulging. That area is also sore and tender to the touch. I know this is all connected somehow, but I’m not sure how or what to do about it.

I told the chiropractor about how much pain I’ve been in all weekend, and he seems hopeful that this is my body getting used to the adjustment. I’m pretty skeptical. I felt like the adjustment on Friday did more harm than good. I had been feeling better, and then exponentially worse after the adjustment. I told this to him as well.

He felt my spine and my neck, and started some adjustments. I began to cry. I cried throughout the rest of my visit.

Now, I am still sore, but I am hoping that today’s adjustment will begin to help. My arm, neck and shoulder have that pins and needles feeling. Is that good? Because I know that’s the feeling I get after my foot’s been asleep, and I’m hoping that with all the numbness I’ve been experiencing, this is feeling returning to those parts of my body. If not, then I’m going to completely freak out. The rib on my chest is still bulging and is progressively more sore. I just hope that tonight I can sleep.

People, I have been in SO MUCH PAIN. I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I can’t take a shirt off without gasping, because it hurts. I can’t pick up my children without pain - or without fear that somehow, my attempt at taking care of them is going to debilitate my body. I can’t turn my head to the left or look up without pain, and I can’t talk on the phone without using my hands. My shoulder pops almost every time I lift my arm - which is quite often, so I can shake it about in attempts to get the feeling back in it. It’s my left arm and I am left-handed.

I have been irritable and cranky and I have zero appetite. OTC pain relievers don’t seem to be helping me at all. And I’m terrified.

I’m so scared that I am never going to get better, that I am never going to heal. It’s been three months since this started and I am only getting worse. Joshua tells me that I will get better and I want to believe him but I just don’t know that I do.

When I was pregnant with Killian, and I started experiencing the pubic symphysis pain, all my health care providers told me that it was due to pregnancy hormones and that after my birth, I would begin to feel better. My (former) chiropractor told me that I had the worst case she had ever seen.

And you know what? Killian will be two years old next month and the reality of my life is that, aside from this neck pain, I have dealt with pubic bone pain EVERY DAY for the past two and a half years. That is usually mild and under the radar, as, sad to say, I’ve gotten used to pain being a part of my life. It flares up quite often and I have a bad several days, but lately, THAT has also gotten worse - two weeks ago, I couldn’t sit and last weekend, I was limping when I walked because it hurt so much.

I’m 29 years old and I’m so scared that I’m going to be a chronic pain sufferer for the rest of my life. I can’t do the things I want to do and I can’t be the mom I want to be because I am PHYSICALLY UNABLE to do things I used to take for granted - like chasing my daughter through the park, or lifting my son up to touch the ceiling. And that petrifies me.

And I haven’t written about it much on here because I feel like when I was pregnant I wrote about it SO MUCH, and in the midst of all of that, I was treated TERRIBLY by people who were supposed to love and support me, but instead tore me down during an extremely vulnerable time in my life so they could teach me some lesson. And I’ve never gotten over that. And that has kept me from continuing to write about things here.

And that adds to my fear, that if I write about how scared I am and how I feel like I’m spiraling into some black hole because of the physical pain in my body, that people will take advantage of that to make an example of me.

So there.

I said it.

And I think I’m glad I did. Clearly, I need to find a good therapist out here.

The temp in San Francisco right now?

94 degrees, baby.

I am loving this. The kids and I hit the beach this morning with some friends and we got there early enough to not have any trouble finding a parking spot. Of course, it was mobbed with hot and cranky people when we left. Nancy and I were at the water’s edge with all the kids, when a couple of really skinny, tanned women in skimpy bikinis sauntered by. I told Mary Judah to stop throwing sand so one of them could pass and when she was out of earshot, I turned to Nancy and said, “Maybe I should have let her keep throwing it.” Neither of us are by any means obese, yet we lamented the deterioration of our bodies anyway, when another skinny and tanned and skimpy-bikini-clad woman walked by, leaving Nancy and I speechless again. I turned to her after a few moments and said, “Well… I’ve given birth! TWICE!”

We’ve got the kiddie pool set up in the backyard soaking up warmth from the sun so we can go out there after Killian’s nap. My kids are running around mostly naked and I’m sweating.

I’m just sure glad I’m not pregnant right now.

If a four-year-old is running, falls and scrapes her ankle on the sidewalk, tearing off a pretty good chunk of skin, how many band-aids will she put on it until it heals?

If a toddler drops his full, seven-ounce milk cup from the seat of the shopping cart for sport, how big of a bruise will it leave on mommy’s foot just under her toes? Will she be able to wear flip-flops?

If a four-year-old “accidentally” knocks over her bowl full of milk from breakfast, and the milk covers an area of roughly 16 to 20 square feet, plus the table, chair, cushion, and said four-year-old, how many applesauce splatters that you missed from the day before will you then find?

If a 21-month-old drops four ounces of applesauce from a height of three-and-a-half-feet, and it splatters in an arc all over the floor, table, and wall, exactly how long will it take to clean up?

IN THE SAME DAY:

Mary Judah ruined her brand new dress and a new shirt after I caught her marking up the entire phone book (and her dress and shirt) with a big black Sharpie. The phone book, I don’t care about, the brand new dress she’s only worn three times? Maybe a little bit.

Killian, who it seems always has a hand down the front of his pants, started pulling his penis up out of his diaper. Every time I try to stick it back in and tell him no, he thinks it’s a game. Can they stretch their penis that far to pull it up out of their diaper? YES, THEY CAN. I see unknown urine puddles on the floor in my future (all the mothers of boys reading this are now cackling evilly at me - you know who you are!!!)

I knew these things would happen, but I thought they might be staggered a little bit, you know, to at least give me a fighting chance.

That sweet little baby has turned into a sweet little girl, and believe me, there are days when I want to glue a bucket to her head just to muffle the whining, and then position her so that she’ll walk blindly into a wall, but on days like today, I understand that she is and always will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

via dooce.

The great thing about sick kids is that they’re very cuddly and snuggly.

The not so great thing (aside from them being SICK, hello!) is that they’re very warm little creatures.

My poor boy is sick, the snuggly, warm, little thing.

Mary Judah’s preschool went on a field trip to Harley Farms down in Pescadero today. I am EXHAUSTED. Tonight, I had a sub-committee meeting at my house for the church Steering Committee, and the last person just left five minutes ago.

Mary Judah was very excited about taking her camera to the goat farm this morning and the first thing she did when we got there was whip it out and take pictures. She took pictures the whole time we were there. When Joshua got home from work tonight, she showed him all the pictures from her camera. Somehow, Killian got ahold of it and started pushing buttons (Joshua just informed me that Mary judah handed Killian her camera). When Mary Judah went to show our friend Nick the photos she’d taken today, none of them appeared. Apparently, Killian had been deleting photos the entire time he was pushing buttons.

I feel like crying about it, and boy howdy, have we had enough of that around here. All of those photos she worked so hard to get - GONE. And I can’t pay six bucks and just go get another one. I feel SO BAD. She was so thrilled about her photos and now they’re GONE GONE GONE.

In other news, I’m teaching her that when she tells people, “My mom is going to homeschool me” she needs to add, “and we’re sticking it to the man.”

That’s my girl.

Or something.

I was planning another homeschool court ruling post, but I’m so mentally wiped out right now, it’s not funny. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day - okay that’s not true. I’ve been actually CRYING all day - and the only thing I can sort out is that it must be hormonally-related.

I go to what I call The Little Old Lady Bible Study on Thursday mornings with some other moms I know and we, in true Little Old Lady fashion, sing hymns every week (Tiffany, you should never go, because I swear, every week, some Little Old Lady I don’t know is right there at the door to GIVE ME A HUG and I can never get around her). This week, we sang “Because He Lives” by Bill and Gloria Gaither, which totally counts as a hymn in my book. The song reminds me, for one, of little old gray haired people in the basement of some Baptist church in the South and, for two, of my mother. The chorus is:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!

An the last line goes:
And then one day I’ll cross the river,
I’ll fight life’s final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory,
I’ll see the lights of glory and I’ll know He lives.

I imagine this song means a lot to Little Old Ladies, and I imagine this song must have meant a lot to my mother, especially as she dealt with her cancer and, before long, her imminent death. I found myself this morning, standing with my hands shoved into the pockets of my jeans, fidgeting and staring at the overhead screen, willing myself not to cry. I was very glad the song was immediately followed by a prayer so I could wipe my face in peace.

So that kind of started my day off as a tear-jerker. Then, the most ridiculous thing happened: we lost one of Killian’s toys and it pushed me over The Edge. I was a mess of tears and snot and could not control myself, and I felt really stupid for it.

There’s this TV show on Nickelodeon called The Backyardigans, and while we don’t have cable (or a TV for that matter) we have a DVD with a few episodes of it. I let the kids watch it while I’m getting dinner ready, and they love it. Joshua found beanie babies of the characters at the San Diego airport while he was traveling on business, and we have collected all five of the them. Killian has really taken to Pablo, a blue and yellow penguin, and he carries him around everywhere. He especially goes in the car and to bed with him now. He calls all the characters and the show “Pablo” as well.

So I let him take Pablo to Bible study, because he always freaks out when I leave him in the child care room, even though I’ve been doing the SAME THING EVERY WEEK FOR MONTHS NOW, GET A GRIP, CHILD. I thought maybe having Pablo would ease the transition and give him something to, both literally and figuratively, hold onto.

After Bible study was over, I picked the kids up, nursed the boy, and we went to get in the car to go home. I was almost done loading everything in the car, when I realized we didn’t have Pablo. So we went back inside and searched the kids’ room thoroughly to no avail. I left a note in the church office with my phone number, stressing that this was a VERY IMPORTANT toy. On the way back to the car, I ran into the lady who runs the kids’ program and told her we were missing a toy and described it and asked her if she could get in touch with the child care workers and the other moms to see if anyone accidentally took it.

And then I started freaking out. I can’t explain why, but I was so irrationally distraught at losing Pablo. I felt that I had betrayed my son’s trust; he finally had a favorite toy and I went and lost it. He was so sweet, sitting on my hip as I dragged him and his sister around trying to find this six-dollar plush cartoon penguin, ocassionally saying, “Pa-booow,” and I lost it and started crying. I cried the whole way home, and I cried up the stairs, and I cried as we dumped all our belongings on the floor, and I cried as put the stupid DVD in for them so I could run to bathroom, close the door and cry some more. And I cried and cried. I cried while I fixed lunch and I cried on the phone to Joshua. I was certain Pablo was lost forever, and while I could go out and buy Killian a new one, it didn’t absolve me of the sin of not keeping track of him in the first place.

I finally pulled it together when Kim, Mary Judah’s preschool teacher, called to let me know of a change in plans to our outing tomorrow to a goat farm down the coast. She had begun by saying, “Bad news,” which really wasn’t that bad, just that our tour was a hour earlier than she thought, so we were going to have to leave an hour earlier. “More coffee,” I told her, and then told her my own bad news about losing Pablo. Kim also goes to The Little Old Lady Bible Study, and her sons, who are virtually the same ages as my kids, also go to the child care. She checked her things and LO AND BEHOLD, she had Pablo.

He was found! The prodigal son returneth! Okay, so not really. But, wow.

Amazingly enough, you would think that I would have stopped crying at that point, right? But, no! I was on the verge of tears all afternoon and then I cried some more when Joshua got home. I’m still pretty verklempt, as a matter of fact, so I think I’m going to go pour myself another glass of wine, run a hot bath and have myself another good cry.

So, no homeschool post tonight. I just can’t bring myself to get invested. I hope I’m not disappointing all my fans.