Or something.
I was planning another homeschool court ruling post, but I’m so mentally wiped out right now, it’s not funny. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day - okay that’s not true. I’ve been actually CRYING all day - and the only thing I can sort out is that it must be hormonally-related.
I go to what I call The Little Old Lady Bible Study on Thursday mornings with some other moms I know and we, in true Little Old Lady fashion, sing hymns every week (Tiffany, you should never go, because I swear, every week, some Little Old Lady I don’t know is right there at the door to GIVE ME A HUG and I can never get around her). This week, we sang “Because He Lives” by Bill and Gloria Gaither, which totally counts as a hymn in my book. The song reminds me, for one, of little old gray haired people in the basement of some Baptist church in the South and, for two, of my mother. The chorus is:
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!
An the last line goes:
And then one day I’ll cross the river,
I’ll fight life’s final war with pain.
And then as death gives way to victory,
I’ll see the lights of glory and I’ll know He lives.
I imagine this song means a lot to Little Old Ladies, and I imagine this song must have meant a lot to my mother, especially as she dealt with her cancer and, before long, her imminent death. I found myself this morning, standing with my hands shoved into the pockets of my jeans, fidgeting and staring at the overhead screen, willing myself not to cry. I was very glad the song was immediately followed by a prayer so I could wipe my face in peace.
So that kind of started my day off as a tear-jerker. Then, the most ridiculous thing happened: we lost one of Killian’s toys and it pushed me over The Edge. I was a mess of tears and snot and could not control myself, and I felt really stupid for it.
There’s this TV show on Nickelodeon called The Backyardigans, and while we don’t have cable (or a TV for that matter) we have a DVD with a few episodes of it. I let the kids watch it while I’m getting dinner ready, and they love it. Joshua found beanie babies of the characters at the San Diego airport while he was traveling on business, and we have collected all five of the them. Killian has really taken to Pablo, a blue and yellow penguin, and he carries him around everywhere. He especially goes in the car and to bed with him now. He calls all the characters and the show “Pablo” as well.
So I let him take Pablo to Bible study, because he always freaks out when I leave him in the child care room, even though I’ve been doing the SAME THING EVERY WEEK FOR MONTHS NOW, GET A GRIP, CHILD. I thought maybe having Pablo would ease the transition and give him something to, both literally and figuratively, hold onto.
After Bible study was over, I picked the kids up, nursed the boy, and we went to get in the car to go home. I was almost done loading everything in the car, when I realized we didn’t have Pablo. So we went back inside and searched the kids’ room thoroughly to no avail. I left a note in the church office with my phone number, stressing that this was a VERY IMPORTANT toy. On the way back to the car, I ran into the lady who runs the kids’ program and told her we were missing a toy and described it and asked her if she could get in touch with the child care workers and the other moms to see if anyone accidentally took it.
And then I started freaking out. I can’t explain why, but I was so irrationally distraught at losing Pablo. I felt that I had betrayed my son’s trust; he finally had a favorite toy and I went and lost it. He was so sweet, sitting on my hip as I dragged him and his sister around trying to find this six-dollar plush cartoon penguin, ocassionally saying, “Pa-booow,” and I lost it and started crying. I cried the whole way home, and I cried up the stairs, and I cried as we dumped all our belongings on the floor, and I cried as put the stupid DVD in for them so I could run to bathroom, close the door and cry some more. And I cried and cried. I cried while I fixed lunch and I cried on the phone to Joshua. I was certain Pablo was lost forever, and while I could go out and buy Killian a new one, it didn’t absolve me of the sin of not keeping track of him in the first place.
I finally pulled it together when Kim, Mary Judah’s preschool teacher, called to let me know of a change in plans to our outing tomorrow to a goat farm down the coast. She had begun by saying, “Bad news,” which really wasn’t that bad, just that our tour was a hour earlier than she thought, so we were going to have to leave an hour earlier. “More coffee,” I told her, and then told her my own bad news about losing Pablo. Kim also goes to The Little Old Lady Bible Study, and her sons, who are virtually the same ages as my kids, also go to the child care. She checked her things and LO AND BEHOLD, she had Pablo.
He was found! The prodigal son returneth! Okay, so not really. But, wow.
Amazingly enough, you would think that I would have stopped crying at that point, right? But, no! I was on the verge of tears all afternoon and then I cried some more when Joshua got home. I’m still pretty verklempt, as a matter of fact, so I think I’m going to go pour myself another glass of wine, run a hot bath and have myself another good cry.
So, no homeschool post tonight. I just can’t bring myself to get invested. I hope I’m not disappointing all my fans.
Umm. I was crying about this stupid ethnicity thing last night. Pablo is probably really clear about his ethnicity. Or his parents must have been.) And I had to surreptiously wipe my eyes because I thought that wasn’t a great thing to cry about. And then I blogged it. So, anyways, the point is, I get the teary thing. I hope it gets better.
Also, when I first moved to the States to go to college, I started crying at church during the hymns, and I couldn’t stop, so someone had to take me to the house where we were staying. But I got my poor mom crying, too, and she had to stay at church and be all missionary. I kind of avoided churches like that for a while. (oops. almost always.) Those hymns can really twist my innards.
a) i totally was excited and came to read the next installment on homeschooling, but your public is patient
b) i cry almost EVERY TIME i sing an even slightly good hymn. especially amazing grace or this one the old black ladies sing at my church about how the blood that flows from the highest mountain will never lose its power. i NEVER expected i would love a song about the blood, but oh man.
c) i also cry at npr stories. this is my best barometer for knowing when my period is on its way. so i feel you both, k and c.
d) when i was reading your story about pablo, and keep in mind that i am a rabid proponent of public transit, i was like “thank the LORD that kristen didn’t have to do this AND take the bus!”
i can still hear her voice singing those beautiful, blessed words.
and the pablo story reminds me of “flip”. remember that?
love you!
*hugs*
You know that cross-stitch mom had of “Because He Lives”? I remember when she got that, some lady from church had given it to her and Mom’s response was, “How did she know that was my favorite?” And then she started crying.