I know, I know.
You’re all wondering what the hell happened to me, right? All, what, six of you? Well, me too.
The honest truth is, I’m having a bit of an identity crisis this week, coupled with mommy guilt, coupled with a lot of things going on, coupled with lack of inspiration and desires to quit, you know, everything, coupled with aw, hell, I don’t know. Oh yeah - my dad’s WEDDING this Saturday.
I actually REALLY want to blog, and to blog deep, insightful (and perhaps, inciteful) things. I feel like my last post just really SUCKED. I mean, it was the blog about the new car and it JUST SUCKED. Total yawner, I know. And it totally should have had pictures. What can I say? Ever since the New Year, I’m a little out of practice with the blogging.
Both the kids are taking up more of my time now - which, of course, is a good, no, a great thing - and I only have time to blog while Killian naps. Those are totally unpredictable, and there’s other things I’d like to do during those times, like, you know, shower, and stuff. So here I am typing away as fast as I can, not caring really if I’m even being coherent.
I actually have a lot of things running around and bumping into each other in my head that I want to blog about. I guess the good news is that I am actually talking to real live people about those things, so that’s good. It just means I don’t want to rehash them all out in blog-land. And I’m discovering that some people are REALLY TRYING HARD to find this blog, and while I don’t mind bobbing back up to the surface in the near future, I’m just not ready for that quite yet, and so (perhaps?) part of the reason I haven’t posted is to keep it off-radar a little while longer. [One thing I wonder, dear reader, is this - for these people who are trying to find my blog - why don’t they just e-mail me and ask me for it? Hmm. There’s a thought. This should be an interesting weekend.]
So on Sunday I was thinking about how there are all these moms of little kids I know who are always talking about how they don’t have time to do anything. I understand part of this - it’s the reason my bathroom floor is grossing me out right now - there are certain tasks that are hard to accomplish when you’re in charge of a baby who screams when you go out of sight. Girl, will I be glad when Killian understands the concept of object permanence.
Anyway, I was thinking how, while I can’t mop the kitchen floor when I want to, I still have a lot of discretionary time - we really don’t have a lot going on and I can pretty much choose to do with my days as I see fit (You want to go to the beach today? Sure!). And I’m wondering, what the hell are all these other moms doing that they don’t have time to spend doing what they want? And then I thought, a bit panicked, should I have more stuff to do? Am I not doing enough? And I started thinking about my mom, and wondered how she spent her time when we were little - I mean really little, like Judah and Killian little - and I tried to remember as much as I could.
The problem is, I can’t remember that much. I can remember a lot to when I was really little - to when Katie was a baby and even before - to before the old house on Gardenia was remodeled. I can remember the old living room and the playroom; I can remember eating at the old drop-down table in the kitchen; I remember when Mom and Dad had the front bedroom that later became mine and I remember sharing both of the other bedrooms with Kyle, and then the one with Katie. I can remember feeling Mom’s belly when she was pregnant with Katie (I was an early three-years-old); I remember the day she was born; I remember the day we overflowed the bathtub, and I remember Hurricane Alisha. I remember playing Star Wars and Legos with Kyle, and pretending to be Oscar the Grouch in the hallway hamper, and Katie destroying my Strawberry Shortcake tea set I was so proud of.
But I can’t remember my Mom a lot. I was trying to think how she spent her days. I know she did a lot of housework and cooked all of our meals. I know she took us to Russell’s and Kaplan’s and the TG&Y, and to the doctor and the dentist, and I know we went to other people’s houses and all that, but I wonder what she did with her time - her free time. Did she have free time? ‘Cause I do. And I can read blogs and news and look stuff up on the internet (and I wonder how my mom’s time would have been different if there had been internet when we were young). And you know what? I feel really guilty. Like I should use all of my time to spend with my kids - like I’m cheating them by focusing attention somewhere else.
But you know what, too? If all I did was focus my attention on my kids, I’d go crazy. I know that sounds callous, but if I were to ask anyone who HAS kids, I know they’d understand. They only time I get to myself is IN THE SHOWER. And I milk it as long as I can. Our friend Dan has started watching the kids one morning a week for me, and I’m hoping to use that time to work on photography and projects and get that going. But I gotta say, it’s BEAUTIFUL to know I can do whatever I want with it. Anyway, I digress (well, sort of).
So I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot this week, and I talked to Kyle about it - I wanted to know what he remembered about how she spent time with us and what she did in her free time, and he gave me a couple of things that were good. I put (both past and present tense) Mom on this pedestal, like she’s the perfect mother, the one I can only hope and dream to aspire being like, even though I know that’s ridiculous on several levels (and perfectly sane on the others).
It’s just, that with everything going on, with the wedding and the countless people asking me how are you? are you ok? what do you think? do you like her? do you not? are you happy? are you sad? and all the other useless questions that keep coming my way, AND with this being the 10th anniversary and how I’m discovering it is as hard as that first one, AND having been in San Francisco a year and thinking about all of that - that I’m really missing my mom these days, and I’m looking for ways in which I can identify with her.
Does that even make sense? Killian is awake. I had better go.
March 30th, 2007 at 7:15 am
If you can, just try to remember that life does go on and deep down, you want for others to be happy (even if that means re-marriage). It isn’t like I don’t know where you’re coming from, I’ve basically never had a father (don’t remember him much at all, he died when I was eight), but even with my mother’s recent death, I find myself really at peace with it and not struggling or mourning anymore (and it has only been 9 months!). With a baby on the way, I couldn’t be happier about that, and that’s a weird thing to say. I really believe you CAN make this easier for yourself and not have this hurt so much every year… You’re getting there. And I think your mother would appreciate being remembered as a normal “person” much more than anything else. Faults and all. In fact, the faults are some of the best memories I have of both my parents, and the funniest family memories Brent and I have hinge on them (but we’re sick like that.)
April 1st, 2007 at 4:45 pm
You know, I can’t remember my mom when I was really little either. Actually, I can’t remember a lot. I remember when I was a little older, and her working. The thing is, she’s still around, and she says when we were little she spent a lot of time just playing with us. But I don’t remember that. And I feel guilty, too, because when I get home from work and on the weekends, I don’t want to do just kid things- want to read a book or get online or something. So I totally get the guilt thing. I’m making an effort to spend some real quality time with the kids- and then not feel bad about taking time for myself. (I’m not very good at this yet.) I always think it would be different if I were home full time- but who knows?
April 2nd, 2007 at 8:56 am
I love you. You’re gonna make it through this rough period.
April 7th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
a word on doing non-kid stuff e.g. reading the news, photos, etc. that is awesome! i think that you doing what makes you happy and feeds your soul will translate into you being a better mother and you won’t go crazy and resent them that way. my mom worked and read and i was young, went back to school when i was in middle school to become a midwife, and volunteered at a clinic additionally when i was in high school, and i was always extremely proud of her (even if i missed her). judah and killian will be proud that they have a mom who’s up on what’s going on in the world, keeping up with friends, laughing, and creating great art.
wish i was there to babysit! may be up there the weekend of the 20th (april)…