I’m a lover, not a fighter
Yeah, right. We all know I’m a fighter.
I had a really weird dream two nights ago — I dreamed that I killed someone. Well that’s not entirely accurate. Technically, I woke up before she was dead, but I dreamed that there was this woman who was trying to kill both me and Judah. I knew that we would both die if I didn’t kill her first.
I don’t relish the thought of killing someone. I don’t like it. I think it’s wrong. But in this dream, it was kill or be killed. If I didn’t fight her off, I would be dead in the end, and so would my daughter. It’s kinda freaky.
I’m not really sure I know why she wanted to kill me. In fact, I don’t even know what this woman’s name was. I can’t even remember what led up to the fight scene, except that Judah and I were both on the run. We had stopped in this bathroom so Judah could use the toilet, and while we were in the washroom part of the bathroom, the woman - my nemesis - stopped in the vanity part to fix her hair.
It’s funny how things in dreams don’t always make sense. Why in the world would she stop to fix her hair while chasing us? Some Hollywood projection that it doesn’t matter what women do as long as they look good doing it? I don’t know, but I know it meant we were trapped. Judah didn’t really understand what was going on, which I’m sure is me in real life projecting her continued innocence into the dream. And she did a much better job of following directions in the dream than she does in real life.
While the woman was fixing her hair in the vanity, I crept up to the other side of the wall beside the door. When Judah finished using the toilet, she starting walking out of the bathroom, about to go straight through to the vanity. I began to motion for her to go back, go back - violently waving my arm and pointing my finger very enthusiastically and using very serious facial expressions. She must have gotten the message because she retreated.
This woman-who-wanted-me-dead heard Judah’s footsteps and started to come into the bathroom. As soon as she did, I grabbed her by the head from behind, threw her to the floor and jumped on top of her, trying to suffocate her with my hands. She had a curling iron in her hand and when she fell, she dropped it on the tile floor. When I jumped on top of her, her hand fell against the curling iron and it burned the flesh off on the back of her hand, which helped me in my element of surprise, since it caused her pain and sent her into a bit of a panic as well. It’s harder to think straight when you’re panicking.
We began to roll around a bit on the floor. I was trying to suffocate her and she was trying to get a hold on me. I got around behind her and tried to snap her neck, but she was bigger than me and I couldn’t get enough leverage to twist her head. That’s really probably because I have no idea how to snap someone’s neck.
I continued trying to suffocate her with only my hands, which seemed to be working, because she wasn’t able to get a handle on me. She kept flailing her arms and kicking her legs and I had to concentrate on what I was doing. I wanted it over quickly - because I didn’t want to have to kill someone and I didn’t want her to get the chance to overpower me, and I didn’t want Judah to have to see her mother kill anyone. What I was doing began to have its effect, because the woman’s struggling began to subside.
I woke up before it was over. I’m glad. I don’t think I could live with myself if I killed someone, even if it was in a dream.
After I woke up, I told Joshua about the dream, thinking he would be shocked that I (almost) killed someone, but he wasn’t. He said he’s killed before in his dreams, but that it usually involved a gun or some other weapon. I told him great, that must make me really horrible if I dream I kill people with my bare hands.
Maybe it’s a sort of karmic payback for the dream I had three nights ago where a man tried to rape me but I woke up before he could overpower me. Cause, that one? That one was freaky.
January 8th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
sorry for the scary dreams! maybe some semi-goofy dream analysis will help from http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary:
Murder:
To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and your former ways of thinking. This could also mean an end to an addiction. Alternatively, you may have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at others.
Killing:
To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. You may very well be expressing some anger or hatred toward this person. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.
Rape:
You may be expressing an unconscious desire to be violated, conquered, or forced into forbidden territory. Some women have a desire to be sexually overpowered, but not hurt. It also indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. Alternatively, it suggests that you are feeling violated in some way. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
January 8th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
hey- when are you going to update. i need to hear some of your new thoughts. i watched the video on taylor’s site and i almost cried. i was glad that i got to see where you live. it makes me feel closer to ya’ll.
January 14th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
Keep blogging! I check in every few days, and I miss the updates. Also, I can’t find anyone else’s blog because I always linked through you. If possible, could you repost your links? (I know blog land has been unkind lately, but I like you!)