it’s not about you

Wow. This little guy is an eating, pooping machine. Unreal. We’ve managed to keep him alive thus far, so we must be doing something right.

I mentioned in a couple of blog posts ago about Killian’s bilirubin level being high. I wanted to share that story…

Several hours after birth, the hospital pediatrician performed a bilirubin test on his blood and the number came back too high. She said she wanted to monitor it while we were in the hospital to see what happened. Over the course of that day and night, he had two more blood draws, and the numbers kept coming back high. We had planned to stay through the night, so he could have his PKU done and then discharge after breakfast and go home.

The night pedi wanted to do another draw in the morning so we agreed to stay until we got the results and could get a visit from the lactation consultant, which was going to keep us there through lunchtime. I was starting to get really antsy to go home and was getting very emotional about having to stay in the hospital longer. The doctors were talking about keeping him to do phototherapy for his jaundice, which if I knew he needed, I would totally keep him there for it, but we just didn’t feel like it was warranted yet, and we were needing to go home.

The numbers from his test came back still too high, and the pedi showed us on a chart how he marked in a high-risk category and how he had most of the markers for risk for his levels to continue to rise. i told her how we wanted to go home, and I actually started crying in front of her. They wanted to do another test that evening, but the results she was really looking for would be from his test the next morning. The thought of staying in the hospital that whole day and for another night was too much for me, and I just kept crying in front of her.

She laid out some options for us, one of which included us going home and bringing him back in the morning for a blood draw and evaluation - she wanted to check his weight and color and see if he was hydrated enough, if he was getting enough to eat. She WANTED us to stay for the blood draws and for observation, but said she understood how much we wanted to go home. I’m not sure if she really understood how much we wanted - no, needed - to go home. She said to talk it over with Joshua ( who had left the room for a bit with Judah) and let her know what we decided.

My midwife also came by, after having spoken with the pediatrician, and said really good things. She really put me at east about our decision to discharge. With everyone else wanting us to stay, she really advocated for us and was able to explain where the doctor was coming from, but also supported our decision to go home. That was a big relief for me, especially considering how hard it was for me to have had my baby in a hospital in the first place - I can’t even put that into words.

The next time the pedi came back, we told her we wanted to discharge and go home. She asked us to agree to bring him back in the morning for a blood test, and that if the results came back as high as 17, that we would re-admit him for phototherapy. We agreed.

We were so happy to be home. We got so much more rest and spent the time nursing Killian, exposing him to sunlight, and eating non-hospital food (thanks to Eric and Linda Bergquist for the vegetarian lasagna they made and delivered for us!). We got up early Saturday and took him to the hospital for his blood draw. We had bags packed and ready in case they asked us to come in. After his test and an evaluation by the pediatrician, she seemed pleased at what we were doing. He had lost weight from 9.9 down to 8.12, which was within range, and she said he looked good, fed, and that his color wasn’t increasing too much. She reminded us again that if his level was a 17, she wanted to admit him. We told her we would and went home to sleep and wait for her to call with the results.

About two hours later, she called and Joshua answered the phone. She said his level was 16.9. We looked at each other, just convinced she was going to ask us to come in anyway. She didn’t. She stuck to her promise that we could stay home if it was under 17, and it was. She said she felt that it would be safe to stay home; that she thought my milk would come in and that she knew we were dedicated to nurse him often enough to help bring it down, but would we please bring him back on Sunday for another test? If this one was over 20, she wanted to admit him. We agreed.

We were so relieved. The next day, Joshua took him in again for yet another blood test. We got a call from the pediatrician on duty that day, to find out that his level was 16.1 - it had gone down. The pedi actually sounded really surprised that it hadn’t climbed and asked me what we were doing. I told him we were nursing him as often as we could and were exposing him to sunlight. He asked us to make sure to schedule an appointment with our pediatrician for Monday or Tuesday so she could evaluate him and decide whether he needed another test.

I am so glad we decided to go ahead and discharge Friday. If we had stayed through Saturday’s blood test, we would have been kept in the hospital, he would have likely started phototherapy on Saturday, and we would have been kept overnight again for his test on Sunday, and probably not have been discharged until Sunday afternoon at the earliest - TWO WHOLE EXTRA DAYS.

I’m not a doctor. I’m not a baby expert. I’m not well-versed in newborn conditions and their outcomes and complications. But I knew we needed to go home and I wanted to trust that instinct and my ability to take care of my baby. And I’m really glad I did. It’s what Joshua and I needed, it’s what Judah needed, and as much as I knew how, it was what Killian needed.

“Why are you still stopped at the stop sign?”

pause.

“Because I’m waiting for the light to turn green.”

Joshua has uploaded images to his Flickr page if you would like to check them out.

We discharged this afternoon and came home, but will be returning to the hospital in the morning for some blood work. The short story is Killian’s bilirubin levels are in a high-risk category for his age by the hour, so depending on how high it gets by the morning, he might be readmitted for phototherapy. Details later. We’re just glad to get to come home, even if it’s just overnight.

I want to blog about everything, but I’m really tired and have a very hungry baby boy that needs a lot of attention. He’s got a weight reputation to uphold, you know.

…joined extra-utero life at 1:36 a.m. on Thursday, August 17th in San Francisco.

After 3 hours and fifty minutes of labor, here he was. He weighed NINE POUNDS AND NINE OUNCES, and was 22 1/2 inches long with a 14-inch head.

I KICK ASS.

Gory details and more pics to follow when we’ve had more sleep and get to go home.

9:48 p.m.
10:02
10:10
10:17
10:24
10:32
10:40
10:47 potty
10:57
11:02 called the midwife
11:08
11:13
11:18
11:25
11:28
11:31
11:36
11:40 joshua left to get the car
11:44
11:48 potty
11:52 joshua back
11:56

Can’t do this anymore. I think I’m the only person I know who is blogging her labor. Let’s hope next time we meet, we have a baby.

PISSED.

And tired. And cranky. And weepy. And angry. I feel both like curling up into a ball (physically impossible at this point) and throwing things (heavy things) across the apartment. God is not my favorite person right now.

I’m about to leave to go to my 40-week prenatal visit. Little guy’s official due date is tomorrow. TOMORROW. I can’t believe I’m still pregnant. I mean, I’m really in a bit of denial about the whole situation. I’ll probably need to schedule another prenatal appointment for next week and that just depresses the hell out of me.

My belly is entirely riddled with gigantic, growing, purple stretch marks that itch and burn. The completely smooth skin is a strange sensation under my fingertips. My tattoo looks WEIRD.

I’m going to ask to have my membranes stripped today. That should be lots of fun. We’ll see what happens. Maybe you can hope I’ll go into labor for me, because I can’t bring myself to hope for it. Cause if? when? it doesn’t happen, it’ll be too big a disappointment.

Big props and huge thanks go to my friend Caroline, who called this morning to say she had some food to bring over for me - lentil and rice salad. It looks REALLY tasty. I definitely needed the phone call and brief visit. So I guess God gets a few points for that, but otherwise I’m still mad at him. I’m having kind of a rough morning, in case you couldn’t tell.

Judah developed some kind of blister inside her bottom lip a few weeks ago. After a little googling, my understanding is that she has what is called a “canker sore.” It’s a pretty harmless little bubble on the soft tissue inside her mouth.

I started getting this one recurring canker sore around Thanksgiving that keeps coming up (it’s very annoying) and I just use my fingernails to pop it occasionally and it heals itself rather quickly.

When she first got it, Judah was saying that it hurt and wanted me to fix it. So I did what any good mother would do - I got a needle out of my sewing kit, sterilized it, held her lip still with a tissue and attempted to pop the little blister.

That didn’t go over well. The “skin” of this thing was pretty thick and I couldn’t puncture it with the needle. All I did was cause my child to suffer undue pain. So after comforting her (and me) Joshua and I decided to just wait it out until it went away. Well it’s been a few weeks now since this thing made it’s appearance and Judah has taken to pulling her lip down and saying about her canker sore, “It’s getting better. It’s beautiful.”

The darn thing hasn’t shrunk or gone away at all, but I think she’s gotten used to it. Of course, it drives both of us parents a little crazy. Why is it still there? Why hasn’t it gone away? Is she going to have this FOREVER?

So last night, we were looking at it again and decided to take pre-emptive action. I thought, “I’ll just make it quick and get it over with,” and reached in to break the surface of the sore with my fingernails like I do when mine recurs.

Judah starting crying and trying to remove her lip from me, with my fingers in her mouth, and of course she couldn’t move or pull away because Joshua was holding her head still. It must’ve hurt an awful lot because she started choking while crying and we both thought she was about to throw up from it. We were fully prepared to have to clean up preschooler vomit. She didn’t. But these huge alligator tears rolled down her cheeks while she choked and cried and cried and choked. And i wanted to crawl into a hole.

The worst part? The sore is still there. I didn’t get it. It’s too smart for me. And I have on my conscience the deliberate causing of pain to my child. They should drag me out into the street and flog me. Maybe THAT would send me into labor.

No, I’m not in labor. Dammit.

Judah’s playing by herself with her toys, making up all kinds of scenarios for them. Her favorite characters are Judah, Mommy, Daddy, Cinderella and Wilbur. I just heard her add her brother’s name to her repertoire for the first time.

Wow, that warms my heart.

I came across two references to ethics and manipulation in photography this morning. I suppose that means I’m supposed to post about them. There’s a huge difference between journalistic photography and editorial photography and art photography. I’m not going to go into all the differences, but I will say I am glad to hear about the photogs who got fired for manipulating their images. They should have been.

It’s one thing to correct a journalistic image for exposure, etc. and quite another to add or take away elements from the image (don’t like the light pole in your photo? Just photoshop it away!), or correct too far - remember the OJ Simpson photos that ran on magazine covers several years ago? One was darkened so much to make him appear more ominous. Ethics in layout also should be mentioned as well - manipulation of an image, such as reversing it, to give an impression you want your reader/viewer to take away from the material. The question remains, how far is too far?

The tech to do this has gotten so good, it can be hard to tell when an image has been manipulated. Editorial, portraiture, personal, and art photography have a lot more leeway, but there are still limits. There’s a new program out that will remove unwanted items from your vacation photos, such as those pesky background tourists. This still rubs me the wrong way a little bit, due to the potential for abuse.

It’s harder and harder to trust the integrity of real news media when we can’t trust the image we are being shown is real. Not to mention the potential for slander and defamation that can result; or on the flip side, using manipulation of images to cause people to feel better or worse (to manipulate them) about someone or something when it’s not reality, as in political campaigns and the “war on terror,” where this stuff runs rampant.

From the New York Times, “Ease of Alteration Creates Woes for Picture Editors”, and from News.com, “Pictures that Lie.”