We recently decided that Judah will not be present at the birth of her baby brother. All along, we haven’t been sure of what we wanted, or what might be best. A lot of people have been asking us what we were going to do, and for the longest time, we didn’t know, and kept going back and forth. After yesterday, I am 100 percent sure that i don’t want her there for the birth. And it’s a little sad.
Judah is the child on the playground who gets upset when another kid falls and hurts himself. She wants to know if he’s okay, and will go over and give him a hug or help him up. When something scary or bad happens in her movies (she’s seen over and over again), a chorus of “oh, no!”s erupt from her little being. She’s an extremely empathetic child.
As we discovered during Judah’s birth, I’m extremely vocal during labor. I’m not one of those women you see on all the birth videos who moan prettily and pop a baby out. I’m the unseen, but very heard mom in the sitcom in the next room to the main character, screaming her lungs out while she’s pushing. Yep. That’s me. I was hoarse for three days after Judah arrived.
While Judah’s a tough kid and can handle her share of scrapes and bruises, she doesn’t like to see other people in pain. While I’m okay with this kind of pain - it’s not without purpose and it’s the means for babies to enter into this world - seeing her mother in pain is not something I want to subject my sensitive child to unnecessarily. And birth involves a lot of blood, which might be startling for her. This is the kid who sees a scratch on your arm bleed a drop and MUST get you a band-aid.
Yesterday, Judah could sense that something was not right. She crawled up in bed with me the entire time I was at the hospital. When Joshua got there in time for the sonogram, I asked him to move Judah so she wouldn’t get the gel all over herself while she watched the screen. She did not want him to hold her. “I need Mommy,” she kept saying. She was worried. This kid curled up in my arm and wouldn’t move during my cervical exam. When Joshua tried to move her off the bed so I could get off and get dressed, she threw a fit, kept kicking off her shoes and started crying inconsolably. She just knew things weren’t the way they were supposed to be.
I love that quality in my girl. I love that she has a deep sense of care for others, that she is a nurturer. During my appointment, she stood on the chair next to the exam table and kept her face right next to mine, holding mine in her hands and kissing me and rubbing our noses together. She helped measure my belly and would reach out and touch me.
I don’t want the birth of her baby brother to be a traumatic experience for her. And knowing it would scare her would keep me from doing the work I need to do to give birth, and I don’t want my concern for her to be a distraction from that. I don’t want it to be a distraction for Joshua, either. I’m going to need all of his help to do this, too.
I’m hoping Judah can come in as soon as possible after the baby is born. I can’t wait to see her face when she sees her baby brother in the flesh and he’s not just someone she yells at through my belly to come and jump on the bed with her. I’m pretty sure she understands there will be another human added to our lives and I want that to be something she can embrace with as little fear and trepidation as possible.
i wanted a home birth, but benji had witnessed several home births as a child and was apparently, slightly, traumatized. heh. so we had a midwife in a hospital. i could see the experience and young confusion still in his eyes. so i think it might be a good decision.
being the mom of two kids sounds like a lot of work. thanks for giving us this window into your parental decision making.
Wow, I can understand how you’re a little bit sad. But you’ve made a good decision, it sounds like. I’m always proud of parents when they make tough decisions that are clearly for the best. I hope I’ll be able to do the same when mine comes along.
You are such a good mom. I admire/appreciate that you are willing to give up your dream/desires for your child. I know that sounds obvious. But, so many parents don’t.