it’s not about you

click here and read. this is very interesting.

I’m going a bit crazy. Okay, more than a bit. “Quite” would be the more appropriate word. Maybe I should make a list of the things that are driving me crazy, in no particular order:

1. constant, horrible pubic pain.
2. not being able to get out due to #1.
3. being stuck in the house due to #1.
4. being stuck in a house that isn’t my house.
5. not having a place to live.
5a. because everything is too effing expensive.
5b. because everything is already rented by the time we call.
5c. because the only thing is we can afford is a 300 square foot studio.
5d. with no kitchen.
5e. in the tenderloin.
6. living with three men and their…men-ness.
7. not being able to go get the food I need.
8. not being able to know what the food I need is and communicate that to someone who could go get it.
9. there always being dishes is the sink.
10. the counters and stovetop always being dirty.
11. judah not taking her nap anymore.
12. this kid kicking and pushing against me ALL OF THE TIME. It hurts.
13. not being able to see “down there” anymore.
14. the hours between 2 and 6 p.m.
15. realizing I need/want something and that it’s in the back of the storage unit.
16. maternity clothes.
17. my hair.
18. knowing my presumptive eligibility for Medi-cal runs out at the end of them month and not knowing what my application status is.
19. the fact that my case worker isn’t returning my phone calls.
20. the fact that I really, really don’t like my midwife.
21. the fact that I really, really don’t like the birth center.
22. the fact that I cry every time I leave #20 and #21.
23. two-hour prenatal appointments that are a waste of my time and don’t get anything accomplished.
24. being worried that this baby will go preterm.
25. being worried that if we get denied for Medi-cal, I might not be able to appeal in time.
27. worrying about how much it costs to have a baby.
28. because I broke down and cried uncontrollably during a tour at the midwifery practice i want to transfer to.
28a. in front of the midwife.
28b. because I can’t do any paperwork or financial stuff til Tuesday.
28c. and cause that’s a stupid reason to cry.
28d. oh, and because I don’t want to do group appointments.
28e. or have the required birth coach at home.
28f. and I don’t want those things to keep me from transferring my care.
28g. and cause when I got there, Judah had pooped all over herself. ALL OVER.
28h. and her clothes.
28i. and I had to actually give her a bath standing up in a sink in the office.
28j. she pooped four times yesterday. they were all kinda like that.
29. because if I can’t transfer out of my current practice, I’m going to stop getting prenatal care and just have the baby at home by myself and just go to the hospital so they can check me and the baby afterwards and I know that’s all really not a smart thing to do but hey, if women in africa can have babies by themselves in a hut, surely a woman in a country as developed as ours can do it by herself too.
30. knowing #29 is really dumb but feeling that desperate anyway.
31. missing my friends and family.

The Photo Friday Challenge: home.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. - On the 18th page, the 4th line says “…become.”

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch? - Judah’s chocolate milk cup.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? - Most Deadly Animals on Animal Planet — it was on in the hospital lobby while we were waiting for our tour. Or the Alias series finale, which we watched on streaming video over the Internet. I guess it depends how you count “TV.”

4. Without looking, guess what time it is. - 10 a.m.

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? - 9:52 a.m.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? - the dehumidifier doing its thing, Judah talking, Dan opening cheese.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? - Leaving La Corneta for dinner to come home.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? Lee Ann’s new blog, which she didn’t tell me about.

9. What are you wearing? - blue pajama pants and one of Joshua’s wife beaters.

10. Did you dream last night? - I always dream.

11. When did you last laugh? - Last night watching the Alias finale.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? - green paint.

13. Seen anything weird lately? - a minivan with people inside drove down our street yesterday with the side door open. at the BART stop last night, some blonde chick was cussing out a cabbie from across the street.

14. What do you think of this quiz? - Not much

15. What is the last film you saw? - Sideways

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? - I wouldn’t worry about where we are going to have our baby, I’d buy a house in the city, and a cabin or beachhouse somewhere, preferably in the Mediterannean, and would start or fund a non-profit I believe in.

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know. - when I was in high school, I used to paint my nails all the time.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? - there are so many things. i have no idea.

19. Do you like to dance? - In theory. In reality it takes a lot of drinks.

20. George Bush: - he exists.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? - Mary Judah

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? - If Judah had been a boy, her name would have been Jack David.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? - in like, half a heartbeat.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gate? - what took you so long?

25. Four or Five people (3 people) who must also do this quiz in THEIR journal: - I’m afraid to pass this on to anyone else.. let’s see, Brent, because he’s a good sport; Joshua, because if I have to do it, so do you, and…Bethany, because she likes quizzes.

We were enjoying our lazy Saturday morning here at the 25th Street house, when Dan came inside to tell us that someone had hit the fire hydrant on the corner and knocked it off. Of course, we all had to go investigate.

Apparently, this was the result of a hit and run - the driver of the car who hit this one, causing it to veer and go up on the curb - didn’t stick around at all and just took off.

A couple of police cars were there already, but we beat the fire truck (Judah was very excited about the fire truck and clapped when it drove by). The firefighters found the valve for the hydrant and successfully turned the water off. Notice, it was the lone female firefighter who found the valve, thankyouverymuch.

After that, they removed the hydrant from under the car. It took four firefighters to lift it up with ropes into the truck. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that photo. Dangit.

Joshua told me we were leaving Sunday morning at 8 a.m. At 7:40, he woke me up and told me to get ready - that he was going to run to get some bread and some milk and he’d be right back. I got in the shower and got dressed, and when I was done, he asked if I was ready to go. He had THIS waiting across the street.

We went to Tartine for breakfast. As usual, it was amazing.

Then we drove across the Golden Gate Bridge to the Marin Headlands.

We were looking for a place where we could find beach access, or a place in the hills we could stop to fly Judah’s kite. We didn’t find either of those places, but we did find a place with a great view.

I have to say, it was a great day. And my husband loves me very much. Thank GOD.

mood: depressed.

food: Osha Thai.

I suggest the Tom Kha and the Panang Curry. I ate there for dinner last night with some other women and I will have to go back. You can’t go wrong with anything on that menu. There’s just no way.

My baby girl turned three today. I would say I can’t believe she’s already three, but the truth is, she’s felt older than two for a while now. I’m actually ready for three. I feel like three fits her right now.

We’ve been talking up her birthday because Granddad came to see her today. At first it was “Granddad is coming to see you in three weeks for your birthday,” then it was two, then it was next week, then it was three days, two days and tomorrow. People would ask her how old she is and she would reply, “Be three next week, on the second. Dad-dad’s coming to see me for my birthday.” She still thinks her birthday is next week.

Granddad is my dad, and he flew in today for Judah’s birthday. I spent most of the day sitting around, all antsy, waiting for the phone call where he tells me he’s landed. This is the longest he has ever gone without seeing Judah. When he pulled up to our street, he turned around in the alley to get a parking spot. As soon as Judah saw him inside the car, she yelled, “Dad-dad!” and took off running for it. My heart flooded to see how excited she was as I lunged for her arm to keep her from throwing her body off the curb at his rental car. He hadn’t even fully parked before she was trying to open his passenger door and get IN THE CAR WITH DAD-DAD. I love it.

We did a video chat with Nana and Papa and Uncle Taylor after my dad was here, and let Judah open her presents so all of them could see. Mommy and Daddy gave her a rainbow knit poncho, TWO Polly Pocket dolls, and a little stuffed blue man. I don’t know what the thing is, but he was cute and free. Aunt Katie and Uncle Josh got her a stuffed dragon. She opened it and said “A dinosaur!” until we showed her the wings and told her it was a dragon. Judah loves dragons. She also loves the pink and orange tissue paper the dragon was wrapped in. Judah’s a pink girl with a penchant for orange. Her aunt is very proud.

Gifts from other family members have yet to arrive in the mail. She spent the rest of the video chat session sprawled out on the floor playing with her Polly Pockets (someone please tell me what the plural form of Polly is, because that is how Judah refers to them).

**Note to other parents - have your children open clothing gifts first, because once they open their equivalent of a Polly, they won’t pay any attention to anything else you give them.**

Joshua has photos of Judah from her Birth Day and a few from between then and now. Please go check them out. I’m so proud of my not-so-little-anymore baby girl.