Ever since joshua created flickr accounts for us, our photo section is not easily accessible. I don’t know why. I’ve asked him, but I still don’t know why, so here is today’s photo. I don’t want to use flickr to post all my photos. Call me a fuddy-duddy, but that’s how I feel.
So Dad ate a cheeseburger for dinner last night. Way to go, there, Dad. He’s gonna make that heart start working! It looks like he’ll be released on Saturday from the hospital. He’ll need to stick around for a few days so the doctors can keep tabs on him. I’ve got a flight up there on Monday night and we’ll all be flying back together on Wednesday, as of right now. It’s been killing me that I can’t be there. I’ve cried at work two days in a row now, and I feel like a complete idiot for doing so. It’s been really hard to focus on my job.
One of the really sucky parts is that I lost my mom eight years ago on the 25th, and so the timing of all of this, and the unknowns, have been that much rougher. It’s been bringing back a lot of extremely raw memories, that still have the ability to debilitate me. One way this manifests itself, is that despite all the outpourings of love I have received this week, I feel so helplessly alone and unloved, not a part of things. I feel like I am being spared being part of real community, some of it for “my own sake.” And it’s not about you, because I know you are thinking it is, but it is really all in my head, this twisted game my emotions play on me.
I’m not sure how I feel, and no matter how many times Joshua tells me that’s okay, to not know, I feel like I’m supposed to pick an emotion and stick with it, as if i had the capacity. Because they do bypass surgeries all the time, and outcomes are usually good, so there’s no reason to get all worked up. But things get compounded, knowing what it’s like to lose someone, to lose a parent.
I used to have nightmares that my Dad would die, especially that first year without my mom. I used to wake up sobbing, not wanting to go back to sleep, and desperately calling home to make sure Dad was okay. Besides losing Joshua, this is my worst fear — something happening to my Dad. Of course, isn’t that everyone’s worst fear, to lose the people they love? I’m not different that anyone else, so why does the possibility send me into an absolute panic?
I guess I just know that the years of living without someone hurts more that losing them, and there are just too many more memories we are supposed to make together.
I sent this to my family this morning:
Dad had his bypass surgery yesterday. It went from about 2 to 7. They ended up replacing 6 blood vessels instead of five. Im not sure what you call that kind of surgery. He was sedated for a while, and started showing signs of life around 10 p.m. or so — Kyle said he could give a thumbs up and open his eyes. Kyle was there during the surgery and they would periodically let him know what was going on. Apparently, the surgery went well, and everything looks good. Katie arrived after he was through with surgery. I think she spent the night at the hospital with Dad. I will be preparing the guest room at the house for him to use during his early recovery when he gets home.
It’s still kind of a shock. I told Joshua’s mom yesterday, “They just broke open my dad’s chest and messed around with his HEART. That is so freaky.” It keeps hitting up every once in a while - the enormity of what is going on. A good friend and mentor asked me how I was handling the whole situation. I told him, “one day at a time.”
So we will keep you updated. In the meantime, I think we’re doing well, we find ourselves getting emotional at seemingly random moments, but we’re doing well. We will let you know if we need anything.
I sent this out via e-mail to my family last night. I wanted to post about it, but I don’t know of anything better to say, so…:
Dad called me on Monday to tell me that he was taken from work to the ER in Mattoon, IL because he had been having chest pains. He wasn’t sure whether or not he had has a heart attack or what was happening. He said that an EKG looked good, but that they were monitoring an enzyme level in his blood. The normal level is a .02, and his was measuring a .1 and climbing slowly. They were going to keep him overnight for observation. I talked to him later that evening and he was scheduled to have a catheter put in the next day at a hospital in Urbana, IL, to see what was going on with his heart.
I talked to him this morning and his enzyme level had stabilized. He was still going to be transported to the other hospital during the afternoon. This evening, his doctor called to say that he was doing fine, but that the procedure had revealed that up to four blood vessels connected to his heart had between 80-95% blockage, and two of them had around 60% or so blockage. He is scheduled for a quintuple bypass surgery tomorrow (Wednesday) sometime during the midday. They will be replacing five of the blood vessels with fresh ones from elsewhere in his body. He should be able to come home sometime next week.
We are trying to do what we can to take care of things on our end. Kyle is flying up first thing in the morning (he missed his flight scheduled for tonight in his rush to the airport), and Katie is flying up tomorrow evening. I will fly up in time for his release from the hospital. Dad’s in good spirits for a man who’s having open heart surgery in less then 24 hours. He is under strict orders to not flirt with any nurses, and we’ve been giving him a hard time about having to wear a hospital gown. So please pray that everything goes well during his surgery and that he has a speedy recovery. He is on the respective prayer “chains” at all our churches so far.
This little guy was introduced to extra-utero life at 6:21 a.m. yesterday. It was amazing. I am so honored to have been there and been a part of the welcoming committee. Congratulations to Josh, Janiece, and Aiden, his proud family. We love you guys.
Last night, Joshua and I were sitting in our living room watching a movie, when we heard a loud commotion right outside our house. He asked me what that was, so I went to the window and peeked out the closed blinds. There was a black SUV parked in the middle of our street with its brake lights on. I looked over at our car, to see the trunk lid open and to hear someone ripping off the four folding chairs we had taken to brunch and my sister’s wedding shower earlier that day.
“Someone’s breaking into our car!” I yelled to Joshua, who tried to run out the front door. “Don’t you dare go down there!” I yelled at him. I picked up the phone and dialed 911, only to have the battery die. I told Joshua to grab the cell phone and call, and we both tried to go out on the porch to get the license plate number, but the SUV drove around the corner and away. Our street lamp has been out.
Joshua went down to see the damage with the 911 dispatch on the phone. I was shaking and pumped full of adrenaline, so I picked up our corded phone and called Mark and Dawn for moral support. While Mark and I were talking, Joshua came back upstairs, and I saw another black SUV. I told Joshua to call the cops again, but it wasn’t the same one. We both got off the phones and went downstairs. Our driver window has been busted out and we figure they used the trunk release to open the trunk. Our neighbor’s car, which was parked in front of ours, also had their window busted out, but it looked like nothing had been taken. A couple of cars before ours down the street also had their windows busted.
We stood outside with our neighbors talking, and a police cruiser came down the street. We flagged them down. Apparently they had responded to my hang up when my phone battery went out. They surveyed all the damage and gave us the number to call to file a police report. A couple of other neighbors we know came over to talk the police as well. Ashley, across the street and about halfway down, was able to give the police a description of one of the guys. Then they backed up down the street to look at the other cars broken into. We stood around outside for a while. There was nothing left to do about it.
This is the fourth time in less than a year that our car has been broken into. It was stolen one of those times. This is starting to get old. Thing is, we have nothing left to steal in our car. And if someone needed chairs that bad, all they had to do was knock on our door and we would have given them away in a heartbeat. Really. Sheesh.